I have this friend.

She’s so great.  She’s quirky and weird and beyond beautiful inside and out.  I love her.  

She, in turn, loves to set me up with guys that are “perfect for me.”  

The first was a true gentleman, with the only problem being that he was in a relationship with someone else on the opposite side of the country.  

Her latest set up sent her officially into early retirement.

She had been raving about a co-worker who is “so hilarious, down to earth, and a commitmentphobe, just like you!”  

Yay!  We are off to a great start.  As long as we are both interested in investing time into getting to know someone, but havr no desire to have anything of longevity ever come to fruition, I’d say it’s worth my time.

(Side note: I would say I’m only semi-afraid of commitment, since I’ve committed to several things such as waking up, eating, talking to humans, putting gas in my car, and owning a dog.)

In any case, she continued to rave.  If you know me or read of my dating rants, you know I choose to not turn down meeting people.  It’s not out of desperation, it’s because, why the heck not?  What if that person is super rad?

Apparently, my sweet friend was building me up in a similar way to this guy, and before we knew it, she had given out our numbers and we were texting in a perfect new age fashion.  

An opportunity arose for a small group hangout.  Being that we are both severe “commitmentphobes,” it had been communicated that this was simply a casual hangout.  Meaning there would be no expectations, let’s just see if we get along, at all.

It was a fun night.  We all laughed and joked and talked about things we cared about and then yelled at drunk people on the streets below us.  

The next morning I woke up to a Facebook message from a random female.  It read:

“hey, uhhh you dont know me but i have some advise for ya.  _______ is free to do what he w”  ….

That was it.  My first thought was, ‘is she European?  Why did she spell advise like that?’  The next thing I thought was, ‘freaking wonderful.’

I could have remained silent and ignored the random message, but I couldn’t resist.  I responded with a double question mark, and wondered what this broad could possibly have in store for me.

She returned with:

“OMG im sorry, i meant to send this to someone else.  shiit. haha. disregard!”

#1 – does that mean you accidentally searched my name on this social network to send me that message?  I feel like that would be a difficult mistake to make!

#2 – No.  She is lying.

I do not respond.  Instead, I send a text to this Daryll and ask “Who is so-and-so?”

He answers, “She’s my girlfriend.”

My thoughts:

Holy freaking idiots everywhere.  It’s 10am.  This is too much idiocy for 10am.

My actual message in response,

“She sent me a message on Facebook.”

To which he replied,

“Haha, yeah she just told me she thought you were someone else.”

My thoughts:

You are a freaking idiot.  

(no actual response.)

Meanwhile, his freak-tastic girlfriend has sent me yet another message reading,

“sorry, i feel i should explain now that i sent a semi-personal message to a stranger, who was in fact the wrong person. fml. i was just letting someone he’d slept with in the past know that they should get tested for hpv…no big deal. sorry. i’m emarrassed. allday allday.”

#1 – WHAAAAT?

#2 – No, you definitely should not send this to someone who you believe to be an accidental stranger that you messaged by happenstance.  That would be something that you send to no one ever, ever, ever.

#3 – My dear girl, you are the ideal woman that no man should ever have to date, because you are the epitome of crazy, and jealous psychos create commitmentphobes.

#4 – I truly believe you are not embarrassed “allday allday,” as you claim, because you 100% sent this to me, specifically, perhaps because you heard we hung out, and then chose to type my name in the search bar, and then scare me with the mention of stds.  Sweetheart, you did not need to mention any such thing.  Your first random half-completed message did the trick.  I do not deal with crazy.  No, thank you.

Guys,

Why?!  I know way too many single guys who have dealt with melodramatic females who have been so un-leveled by romantic comedies and daddy issues that they can’t even tie their pony tail too tight, for fear of causing more damage.  

Why do you date them?  And then pretend to not be dating them and secretly meet people on the side?

I can say the same to some very balanced, emotionally stable women who put up with overly protective, controlling douche-tards.

I can’t ask it enough – WHY?

These are people who can never be alone because they hate themselves too much, so they have to deprive others with their needy and condescending personalities and drain our souls of love and kindness and sanity.

So, when people ask me why I’m still single, it’s safe to say it’s because there is a whole lot of weird to muddle through.  Dating has become a circus of crazy, and I’m beginning to wonder when the show will end.  I know I am not a walk in the park, but if I’m interested, I’ll do my best to make it as much like a park as I can, and less like a deadly shooting range, where your chances of survival are slim.

Until it’s more fun than scary, I’ll remain happily (and sanely) single.

Cheers!