This morning, the West Michigan world woke up to a shit ton of snow.
We are talking “probably stay in with coffee and blanket all day” kind of snow.
And I mean the “you likely won’t be able to get out of your driveway” snow.
I’m serious, so much snow.
Especially compared to the zero inches of snow that fell last year.
I had a breakfast date with my best friend, however, and a mere 17 feet of fresh, powdery snow wasn’t going to stop me. Besides, I drive a spaceship with brand new tires, she can handle anything.
As I braved the icy highways at a daring 35 mph, I found myself talking to the roads.
“Really road? I can’t even see which lane I’m in.”
I also spoke with my car washer fluid.
“Seriously? You’re frozen, car washer fluid? I can’t see out my window and could really use you right now.”
To fellow highway brave-ers, driving more boldly than myself,
“Dude, really, you’re passing me right now? If you cut back into my lane and hit your brakes so help — asshole! I knew it! Learn how to drive!”
Do you know what, my sweet little readers? No one responded to me.
That’s the thing with inanimate objects, they are incapable of conversation. I still find, though, that I’m not the only person who does this. Have you noticed (or perhaps done this yourself) that people love to write letters to things that are incapable of a response? Social media statuses everywhere have become angry letters to things that have no control over anything. It’s a venting mechanism, right? But what if those things could write letters in response? I got to thinking about this on my commute this morning.
Dear Leaky Faucet,
What the cuss? Thanks for leaking water all under my sink and ruining the entire baseboard of the cupboard, because I really have time to clean all that up and mop the entire kitchen. Seriously, you are a morning-ruiner.
I’m sorry for dutifully providing you with your daily water supply over the past fifteen years, despite your negligence of necessary maintenance. How dare I! Maybe this small inconvenience will remind you how great it is that instead of having to collect and purify water yourself every day, you have me to provide that luxury for you.
with drops of love,
I apologize for last night, please forgive me for drinking all that whiskey. I promise I’ll take better care of you.
You’re a liar, and I look forward to hearing this same sob story next weekend.
I can’t even see the road! Why so much at one time, Snow? People need to go places, do things, accomplish tasks, and you are really slowing us all down.
Safely driving without texting,
Sadly, I’m not in charge of how much or how often I fall on your territory, but did you forget? It’s winter! This happens! Have you become a soft little pansy, my tough midwesterner? Please remember to enjoy the beauty of each season before you become a nasty pessimist that bitches and moans about everything in life.
Good thing you have new tires!
It’s fine and very necessary to be able to vent, but sometimes, let’s remember to shut our stupid mouths for a little bit, because all that negativity can create a thick and dark blanket over our eyes that are already clouded with seasonal depression. Let’s be honest, we need all the light we can get during these gloomy February days.
I hope you go look at pretty snowflakes, and remember that there’s a lot of beauty out there, and I’m going to try to write more positive letters to things in my head.
Breakfast was pretty wonderful. Finnish pancakes and turkish coffee? Yes. Conversation with my best friend? Yes. Eye candy compliments of the tattooed man with the floppy knitter? 100% yes.