Gosh, you’re awful. I don’t actually hate them.

…I strongly dislike children.

My family tree is a fricken redwood, it’s that big. I have ten nieces and nephews, and I love them each very much. So please understand, I do not hate them. They are my family! The children I dislike so greatly, well, are probably yours!

Also understand that I, myself, was an awful child, loathed by many.  My own sister hardly spoke to me until we were well in to adulthood. I threw the most amazing temper tantrums, slamming doors, screaming, and every single day was the “worst day of my life!!”

My parents raised us in such a loving home and gave us incredible lives as children, so don’t think I actually had anything to feel sorry for myself for. I thought I rocked, and that everyone else thought so too.  I felt the way that Kanye West feels about himself. Way too cool and overly priveleged (in my defense, I was a child, not a grown man).  

So maybe it’s karma? This way that kids can unhinge my every nerve?  What I do know, is that if I am in a restaurant, and your kid is screaming, I will not feel bad asking to be moved far away from you. If a kid makes you look like an ass in public, I do not feel sorry for the parent, because I’m guessing they do the same thing at home (yes, make you look like an ass, you just don’t notice because you are in your home).

How dare I say such things! Don’t worry, my dear internet friends, I’m sure some day I will make the mistake of bearing a child and karma will once again take its awful toll and I will screw that kid up, royally.  And it will indeed make me look like an ass in the most public place of all the places.

For now I will stick with having a dog. He may shed, but he is so many things a child is not. Human, for example. He is not human…so that’s a good thing.

But there’s still time for me to screw him up too.

Cheers!